Waking Up

What is consciousness? One definition is the awareness of self. I spent so many years; a lifetime, really, going through the motions of life, UNAWARE of my Self. In my most cosmic of moments when (I thought) a mushroom trip connected me to God, when the repetitve pulsing of heavy bass and electronic beats pulled my mind into a trance and the lingering regrets of ill-advised sexual activity beat my so-called conscience to the ground...I still had no Real Awareness of My Self. The essence of me. The essence of every human being- to really know yourself is to Know God. I mean that in the sense that both are at the peak of equally formidable heights (that is, without the proper gear).
I've been so fortunate to wake up before I lay upon my death bed. Ironic how all I did in the relentless quest to just FEEL like everything would be alright only led me deeper into the abyss of resentment, fear, self-centeredness and dishonesty. In trying to close the gap between me and my Creator, I instead multiplied it ten-fold.
It's been almost 18 months since the last day I took any drugs or alcohol. I feel alive for the first time since I was 13, if ever. I am now 28. I don't feel the inner turmoil and calamity to the extent that I did all those hazy drugged out years. I don't feel the complete hopelessness, depression and total lack of motivation that somehow worked behind the scenes of my thoughts to keep the negative self-talk flowing almost undetected as the air I breathe. What I do feel is a range of human emotion- joy, sorrow, passion, anger....those are things I subconsciously avoided for so many years. Letting myself FEEL was so painful! There were so many traumas and hurts that I didn't have the coping skills to deal with effectively. Now has come the time to clear up the wreckage of my past and let God embrace me in Love.