He's a shitbag liar. All along I knew he wasn't telling me the truth but I shushed my intuition and told myself it was just paranoia. Well apparently he's been doing dope a lot longer than he initially told me. What a fucking liar. That's him the King of Bullshit. And that's about all he's good at. Except being M's father and that is what keeps me tied to him. Do you know how much easier it would be to leave him if he was a bad father? Why do women just take the lack of respect as if we don't deserve any better? Why in the FUCK am I still here? Because he's changed? How the hell do I know that? How do I believe him now? It's too damn bad, because I care about him and love him very much. But do I even know who I love? Just the person he puts himself to be when he's around me?
Oh and back to the lack of respect. He doesn't respect me, he doesn't want to have to be held accountable to me so he lies. He goes to doctor after doctor and lies and lies and keeps taking pills, the SAME FUCKING PILLS I HAD TO GO TO REHAB FOR.
Yeah.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Trust
Trust: truhst (noun) reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Without trust, any relationship is left on shaky ground, lacking the most basic of foundations. Throw in a penchant for shitty communication and intimacy avoidance, and you have the recipe for disaster. I don't trust T because of the way he holds everything in. It's like he and I are partners in a game of cards, and he only wants to play by himself. What am I supposed to think? What is his 'game of cards' all about? A secret life of using drugs again? A thick blanket of depression hanging over a secret of despair? Whatever it is, I am not in a relationship to play Little Miss Fix It.
We are all on this Earth for a very short time, a gentle breeze, a sigh, and we're gone. On to the next great Lesson. Why sit around, pretending like everything's ok when it's actually hurtling towards BULLSHIT, EXIT 1 MILE??
At what point do I throw my cards on the table and say 'I don't want to play this game anymore' ? The moment he looked at me and said 'I've been fucking up with dope again'. Maybe in the past, would I have stayed around, trying to mold him, to help him, to encourage him. Today is a different story. Our son is my number one priority. His environment will be one of peace and compassion. It will not be one of calamity, dishonesty, paranoia, pessimism and ignorance.
From this point on, my mind is made up. We are done.
Without trust, any relationship is left on shaky ground, lacking the most basic of foundations. Throw in a penchant for shitty communication and intimacy avoidance, and you have the recipe for disaster. I don't trust T because of the way he holds everything in. It's like he and I are partners in a game of cards, and he only wants to play by himself. What am I supposed to think? What is his 'game of cards' all about? A secret life of using drugs again? A thick blanket of depression hanging over a secret of despair? Whatever it is, I am not in a relationship to play Little Miss Fix It.
We are all on this Earth for a very short time, a gentle breeze, a sigh, and we're gone. On to the next great Lesson. Why sit around, pretending like everything's ok when it's actually hurtling towards BULLSHIT, EXIT 1 MILE??
At what point do I throw my cards on the table and say 'I don't want to play this game anymore' ? The moment he looked at me and said 'I've been fucking up with dope again'. Maybe in the past, would I have stayed around, trying to mold him, to help him, to encourage him. Today is a different story. Our son is my number one priority. His environment will be one of peace and compassion. It will not be one of calamity, dishonesty, paranoia, pessimism and ignorance.
From this point on, my mind is made up. We are done.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Waking Up
What is consciousness? One definition is the awareness of self. I spent so many years; a lifetime, really, going through the motions of life, UNAWARE of my Self. In my most cosmic of moments when (I thought) a mushroom trip connected me to God, when the repetitve pulsing of heavy bass and electronic beats pulled my mind into a trance and the lingering regrets of ill-advised sexual activity beat my so-called conscience to the ground...I still had no Real Awareness of My Self. The essence of me. The essence of every human being- to really know yourself is to Know God. I mean that in the sense that both are at the peak of equally formidable heights (that is, without the proper gear).
I've been so fortunate to wake up before I lay upon my death bed. Ironic how all I did in the relentless quest to just FEEL like everything would be alright only led me deeper into the abyss of resentment, fear, self-centeredness and dishonesty. In trying to close the gap between me and my Creator, I instead multiplied it ten-fold.
It's been almost 18 months since the last day I took any drugs or alcohol. I feel alive for the first time since I was 13, if ever. I am now 28. I don't feel the inner turmoil and calamity to the extent that I did all those hazy drugged out years. I don't feel the complete hopelessness, depression and total lack of motivation that somehow worked behind the scenes of my thoughts to keep the negative self-talk flowing almost undetected as the air I breathe. What I do feel is a range of human emotion- joy, sorrow, passion, anger....those are things I subconsciously avoided for so many years. Letting myself FEEL was so painful! There were so many traumas and hurts that I didn't have the coping skills to deal with effectively. Now has come the time to clear up the wreckage of my past and let God embrace me in Love.
I've been so fortunate to wake up before I lay upon my death bed. Ironic how all I did in the relentless quest to just FEEL like everything would be alright only led me deeper into the abyss of resentment, fear, self-centeredness and dishonesty. In trying to close the gap between me and my Creator, I instead multiplied it ten-fold.
It's been almost 18 months since the last day I took any drugs or alcohol. I feel alive for the first time since I was 13, if ever. I am now 28. I don't feel the inner turmoil and calamity to the extent that I did all those hazy drugged out years. I don't feel the complete hopelessness, depression and total lack of motivation that somehow worked behind the scenes of my thoughts to keep the negative self-talk flowing almost undetected as the air I breathe. What I do feel is a range of human emotion- joy, sorrow, passion, anger....those are things I subconsciously avoided for so many years. Letting myself FEEL was so painful! There were so many traumas and hurts that I didn't have the coping skills to deal with effectively. Now has come the time to clear up the wreckage of my past and let God embrace me in Love.
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